Before I found you
by Anna.Green
Summary: Background story to Dear Clary. After Jonathon and Clary vanish that night on the penthouse, Jace, Izzy, Alec and the others assume Clary is dead. However, after multiple encounters with a girl who looks just like Clary... maybe things aren't what they seem. Based on the show.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys! This story is basically a background story to** _ **Dear Clary.**_ **If you haven't read it, I would recommend checking it out or at-least my intro for chapter one (just for basic understanding) and chapter two. This chapter isn't great but you have to start somewhere! Anyway, thanks for reading and enjoy!**

 ****All credits to Cassandra Clare**

Isabelle walked hurriedly down 54th Avenue. The bitter morning air stung her cheeks and made her fingers throb, but she felt good. Winter was her favorite season, and it had been so for her whole life. She loved the feeling of the chilly air on the back of her neck as it blew her hair around her like a tornado. She liked sleeping in a pile of blankets and waking up to the steady beat of the _pitter-patter_ on her bedroom window. But today she felt exceptionally well. It was barely 9 o'clock but her eyes gleamed with a sort of nervous excitement and a small smile tugged at her rosy lips. She had woken to an urgent Alec on the phone, insisting that she come meet him at Magnus' immediately. When she asked why, he had hesitated and she knew right away what he needed her for. _Clary._ He must have changed his mind. Why, Isabelle did not yet know. It hardly mattered. Alec had come around just like Izzy had hoped, and that was _very_ good news.

Less than an hour later, she sat beside Alec on the plush, velvet sofa. He hadn't said a word since she arrived and it was making her nervous. "Alec!" She said snapping her long polished fingers in front of his eyes. "I don't have all day." He turned to look at her distractedly "It's just... I don't understand. She...was...gone." He muttered quietly. "She went up the stairs... and never came back down, it's just... not possible." he finished, his sentence hanging in the air like an unanswerable question. Isabelle tilted her head to look at him, a gentle smile forming on her lips "Our whole world is based of the impossible, Alec. It's who we are." Alec sighed then shook his head "I know, I know. Still this, this isn't normal, not even for us." He stood and started pacing the living room.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Back and forth until Isabelle couldn't take it anymore. "Alec, what happened?!" He stopped and turned to face her. He looked up slowly at the chandelier glistening above them then back down at Izzy. Then quietly, with his voice raw and confused "I saw her. Just like you did. And it was her, no question about it. She even had her runes and everything.I just... I don't get it. Where has she been? And what in hell happened?" Isabelle stood and walked to her brother, taking his hand in her own. "I don't know. Right now it's not so important. We need to find her. Something really strange is happening and I don't think we have so much time..." She squeezed his hand softly " We should go straight to the institute. Tell Jace-" " _No!_ No, are you crazy?" His eyes finally focusing on Isabelle."We don't tell Jace until we are certain. Same for Simon. The things Jace would do if he thought she might be out there. And Izzy, what if she isn't? We can't do that to Jace, not again." Isabelle took a slow, steady breath. "He'll find out you know. I've seen her, you've seen her, it's just a matter of time-" "Izzy, NO." He said taking his hand out of hers "We are not telling Jace anything, anything until we know _100 percent_ that she is alive." She opened her mouth to protest, but Alec was quicker. "You don't feel what I feel. I feel his pain everyday. I feel this, this _heaviness_ in my chest almost every morning like I'm drowning. I will not, I WILL NOT let you make things worse for Jace, no matter how helpful or smart or...whatever, you think he is." He was right, she knew he was right but it still felt wrong to her. But, she squeezed her fists and slowly exhaled, "All right, big bro. It's me and you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys! Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving! Here is chapter 2**

 **All credits to Cassandra Clare**

Alec smiled as Luke slid into the booth across from him at the Hunter's moon. He had asked Luke to meet him only a few hours prior and he wasn't sure if he would be able to. To be honest, a piece of him hoped he would be to busy. How do you tell someone that they might have run into their dead "adoptive" daughter? If that wasn't an an awkward conversation starter, than Alec didn't know what was. Well not awkward, painful. Or even disrespectful. No, hurtful or- " _Quit ranting_ " Alec muttered under his breath. It was a bad nervous habit he had and right now it was even worse than usual. Luke looked up from his notepad quizzically, casting a strange glance in his direction "You all right Alec?" Alec chuckled nervously, shifted uncomfortably in his seat, then placed his clasped hands on the table. " Umm... Luke? There something you should know."

Luke lay awake. It was 2 o'clock in the morning. The rising sun was beginning to cast its rays through the silk curtains and shadows began to slowly crawl along his bedroom walls. He couldn't stop thinking- imagining. The last few months had been hell. Pure, absolute, hell. He had lost the last person he had left. And it stung. It tore him apart. He hid it, he swallowed his pain because there were so many people that he had to be there for- so many that he couldn't barely even be there for himself. He would wake up every morning in his silent, eerie home and close his eyes, straining his ears to find the soft patter of her footsteps, or the vibration of her music playing through the walls. He never found it. Everyday after work he would dread coming back to home. It was haunted with memories of Jocelyn and Clary; something had happened in every room, things that made him smile or laugh despite the blur of the tears in his eyes. Clary had always been more than just Jocelyn's daughter; she was his daughter too. And he couldn't save her.

But now... Luke shifted again in his bed, his sheets twisting around his legs. He hoped Alec was right, of course he did. But something felt wrong. It was like they were missing a vital piece of the puzzle, the piece that connected all the dots. Luke knew Clary, probably better than almost anyone else, and he knew that disappearing like that... it just wasn't _like_ her. Luke turned to his nightstand and lifted the photograph that sat there. It was an old photo - must have been from several years ago. He smiled down at it sadly and gently traced over each one of them- first Jocelyn, them himself, and finally Clary, his finger lingering there for an extra second. He placed the picture back on the nightstand, and once again lay down. It didn't matter, he decided, it didn't matter that there was something awfully awry in this situation. It didn't matter that it shouldn't be possible. It didn't even matter that there was a possibility Alec was mistaken and it wasn't even her. Clary might be out there and Luke would do everything in his power to bring her back home.


	3. Chapter 3

Isabelle yawned and rubbed her eyes for the third time that minute. It was a half past three in the morning and she could barely keep her eyes open. She had been slaving away on the computer watching video after video of surveillance cameras, trying to find any hints of Clary's disappearance. Jace hadn't come back yet. That was the real reason she was up, and she knew it. About once a week, Jace would leave. No one really knew where he went or what he did but he would usually come back a bloody mess or crazy drunk. She hated the thought of Jace roaming the dangerous streets of the city, alone and with no control of his actions. It was strange, to be scared for Jace. Never in all of her life, would Izzy ever imagine Jace needing protection. He was strong- stronger than anyone she'd ever met. And there was no one she had admired more. When she was younger she secretly wished she could be like Jace- invincible, powerful, fearless. He never let anything get to him, or anyone. She knew Maryse was bothered by it and couldn't understand it, but Izzy admired it. Jace was the physical embodiment of how shadow-hunters should be, she remembered thinking. Now? Izzy shuddered and sighed. Jace deserved so much better. To have the only person you loved ripped away from you again and again? Not many survive that.

"Izzy. Izzy." Izzy lifted her head slowly, blinking hurriedly waiting for her eyes to focus. She must have fallen asleep on the keyboard because the computer screen in front of her was filled with trails of incomplete and incomprehensible words. Jace was standing in front of her, his hand resting on her shoulder. His golden hair fell over his forehead. His eyes were hollow and glassy, and the paleness of his cheeks highlighted the shadows under his eyes. Izzy stood quickly and awkwardly, knocking over the binder of notes on the table beside her. "Jace, hey." She said lightly, hoping he wouldn't catch the worried undertones in her words. She gripped his arm lightly and lead him to the couch "Where have you been?" She asked as casually as possibly. He didn't answer, just looked at her as if he was studying her- like one of his piano sheets. Izzy tried smiling but thought against it. "Jace?" He turned away from her and looked at the bare, white, wall facing them. She could see the pulse in his throat beating rhythmically. Light, blonde hairs were growing at the base of his chin. He looked old, she realized sadly. Older than he should, at least. "I was walking." He whispered hoarsely. " I'm always walking. My legs keep trying to take me to some destination, like they have a mind of their own. " Izzy didn't answer. She hadn't expected him to say anything; she had barely heard him even _talk_ in the last few months. She reached out to hold his hand, but he moved it out of her reach before she had the chance. He closed his eyes his eyelashes casting long shadows against his hollow cheeks. He thinned his dry lips and clenched his fists on his lap until his fingers turned white. "Does this get better? Ever? I can't do this...I don't know how." His voice was raw and filled with so much emotion that Izzy felt tears gathering in her eyes. She looked away from him and inhaled, closing her eyes. "You are the strongest person I know, Jace-" He stood so suddenly that the vase of flowers sitting the coffee table smashed to pieces. The broken shards of the glass littered the rug, making the floor around them gleam. Izzy looked up at him silently. There were tears leaking out of his closed eyes, and suddenly Izzy was aware of her own tears on her face. "I'm not strong. Who cares about physical strength? It doesn't mean anything, Izzy. It's pointless." His voice was wobbly and broken and... _scared_. Izzy hesitated wishing so badly she could tell him what she knew. But it was risky- too risky. Instead, she closed her eyes and said "You are strong Jace. And not just physically. If she was here, you know what she would say? She would tell you to pull through. She would tell you to fight harder, Jace. Fight harder! You are the strongest person I know, the strongest she knew. She would tell you to live Jace. And if you can't live for your own sake, live for hers. That's what she would want from you." Izzy shook her head " She would want you to _live_." Jace stared at the pool of glass around his feet. His hair hung over his face and she wished he would look up. "I see her sometimes." He said so softly, almost inaudibly like he was talking to himself. Izzy felt her breath catch in her throat and her heart stop. "I feel her presence so strongly like she is sitting beside me. Like if I reach out..." He looked at Isabelle carefully "I know what your going to say. I'm going crazy, I know it. I just-just-" He hesitated searching for the right words. Izzy rose from the couch and walked slowly to where he stood. Tentatively- carefully- she wrapped her arms around his stomach and leaned against him. Closing her eyes she murmured against her brother's chest "She loved you Jace, you know that right? She would be so proud of you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Enjoy! Thanks for reading!**

 ****All credits to Cassandra Clare**

Alec had just come out of the grocery store when it happened. Magnus was hosting a party that evening and Alec had volunteered to pick up some odds and ends. Secretly, Alec needed to get out of the house. He was losing his patience and he was feeling increasingly stressful about the whole "Clary" situation. There had been no new leads the whole week despite the searchers on every street and closed portals throughout the city. With everyday came more doubts- maybe it was just their imagination, maybe their sightings were just products of their hopeful wishing. It all had been to go to be true anyway...

But then he saw her. A complete déjà vu situation. He was halfway out of the store when he froze. She was right in front of him. A few passerbyers in between; a flash of a few cars; the buzz of the morning city traffic. But it was her. Her wavy red hair spiraling down her shoulders; the morning sun reflecting lights off her green eyes. She stood there without smiling- without even blinking, still as a statue. The only indication she was real was the billowing of her fiery hair blowing in the chilly wind. Alec exhaled a breathe he didn't know he was holding, took a careful step forward in her direction... and just like that, she disappeared. "Dammit!" He yelled punching his fist into the cement, store wall. _No_ , he thought angrily, _No, I'm not letting you run this time._ Anxiously, he ran across the street to where she had just stood. Nothing. No proof that she had just stood there, nothing that he could use to track her. "It doesn't matter." He muttered "I'll find you anyway." With that, he took off running.

Izzy jumped out of the desk chair when the library door slammed shut startlingly. Jace merely looked up tiredly from the book he was reading and closed it slowly upon seeing the expression on Alec's face. "Izzy." Alec said frantically" I was out grocery shopping-" "Jace, would you mind grabbing my phone? I left on the kitchen counter." She interrupted, eyeing Alec sharply, subtly nodding her her head in Jace's direction. Jace rose from his book unhurriedly, glanced at the two of them suspiciously, shrugged his shoulders, and closed the door behind him. "God, Alec. You need to be more careful." She hissed hotly. "Sorry" He said quickly "Its important though." He sat down where Jace had just been and crossed his legs nervously, fidgeting with the zipper of his sweater. "I saw her again. I was shopping and when I came out of the store...Bam." He said punching his fist into his palm "I tried following her, I even ran several blocks, but no trace." He shook his head "No offence, but Clary wasn't that fast. She shouldn't be able to disappear like that." Izzy leaned back in her padded chair. She chewed the pencil eraser thoughtfully, spinning in lazy circles. She stopped suddenly and looked at Alec warily "Do you think she's working with someone? Nothing in this whole situation sounds like the Clary I know, in fact" she put the pencil down and glanced at the closed door. "This whole...thing" She indicated with a wave of her hand "Reeks of demonic energy." She finished her voice barely above a whisper. "You know just as well as I do, that her whole disappearance has been fishy from the start."

Alec closed his eyes, rested his elbows on his knees, and his face in his palms."What if we don't make it on time, Izzy? If your right about the demonic energy, than we're in a race against time." Izzy rose and sat on the carpet floor, directly in front of Alec "Alec, listen to me for a second." She breathed in through her nose slowly "Jace knows. Or he knows pieces" Again she glanced at the door nervously like he might enter at any moment "I know what you are going to say, and I agree. If it isn't her- or worse, we don't get to her in time..we- I could never do that to Jace. But" Alec opened his mouth to object "BUT-" She said raising her voice slightly "If anyone could find her, its Jace. You know it." Alec rubbed his creased forehead with the tips of his fingers. His eyelashes barely concealed the shadows of sleepless nights under his eyes. He was anxious. They all were. This case was taking a physical toll on all of them as well as an emotional one. He rose from the chair and slowly made his way to the door. "I just- I need to think Izzy. Just wait for me to...process it all, okay?" Izzy smiled sadly and nodded "Of course." Alec smiled back and opened the door. His heart froze in his chest. He could hear Izzy gasp in the background and could almost hear her move her hand to cover her open mouth. There, in front of them stood Jace. He was still- completely frozen like a soldier. His golden eyes were filled with betrayal and disbelief, his fingers shook as he clenched them into a fist. Alec opened his mouth, but Jace cut him off "Clary.." He choked on her name and raised his eyes to meet Alec. They gleamed with a nervous excitement and Alec could hear Jace's heart thumping in his chest. "Tell me the truth, Alec. Whats going on?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi guys! Sorry this chapter took a few days! I started writing it as soon as I finished the last one but I forgot to save it and so now its gone...:(**

 **In case you don't know, I have never written a story like this so I'm sorry if its confusing or takes too long to get to the point...Anyway, I think I'm going to finish the story in 2 or 3 more chapters so stay tuned for more! Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to review!**

 ****All credits to Cassandra Clare**

Izzy watch Jace carefully. He was staring out the window, his legs crossed and hands clasped. He looked calmer than she expected. Both Izzy and Alec were prepared for the worst when they told him; jumping out the window, running down every single street in New York. But he hadn't moved since he heard the news and it confused her. Why wasn't he yelling? Why wasn't he crying, or even demanding to search for her? "Jace...I just want you to be prepared. We don't know... if its even her. I don't... I don't want you to get your hopes up." Alec said as softly as possible. Jace turned to Alec "I know. I'm-I'm prepared." He said half to himself nodding his head reassuringly, turning once again towards the window "Its better this way I think. Like..." He hesitated and looked at Izzy " I feel like I have something to.. do now. A reason to get up and live." Alec winced at his words, but chose not to say anything. Instead he rested his hand on Jace's shoulder and sat on the couch beside him.

Jace waited until he knew for sure that Izzy was sleeping. It took every piece of his willpower not to run out of the institute the second he found out but he knew that if he did, Alec would try to stop him. He tucked a second blade in his boot and smoothed his shirt . Patting his hair down neatly, he studied his reflection in the mirror. Jace would be lying if he thought he hadn't changed. He didn't look like the boy he used to be; he didn't look like someone that was capable of falling in love. He looked broken and tired, like the life was slowly draining out of him. He sighed. He was ready to be happy again, to live and love. His heart was pounding in his chest just that simple thought, it pounded so loudly he was sure it would wake Izzy up. Jace shut his bedroom door behind him and quietly walked towards the main door. Clary's bedroom door was slightly opened and on reflex, he poked his head in. It was just like it had been for the last few months- so still like it was frozen in time. Her bed wasn't even made and there were clothes strewn on the floor. The hardwood floor was smeared with reds and blues and greens. Jace inhaled, closing his eyes-it smelled like her even after all those months. It gave him courage- he would find her. He had to.

Jace pulled the sensor out of his pocket as soon as he got to the center of the city. It would pulse erotically whenever he went in a westward direction he noticed, so naturally he began in the west. He knew that Clary was somehow connected to demons, he had heard Izzy and Alec's conversation. He had no idea what the connection was but it didn't matter to him. Clary might be alive. God, he bit back a smile that was fighting to creep onto his face. He still hadn't processed it- Clary might be alive. With newfound energy, he quickened his pace.

Izzy woke up suddenly. Something was wrong. She could feel it in the air like the "wrongness" had a different consistency. Quickly, she threw off her covers and ran across the hall to Jace's room. "Jace!" She hissed nervously knocking on the door. "Jace!" No answer. She twisted the knob and entered the room. It was as immaculate as always. All his clothes were neatly folded away, the floor was swept clean, the bed was made perfectly- The bed was made. "That son of a..." She groaned angrily " I should have known he'd pull something stupid like this. In fact, I don't know why I thought he wouldn't" She muttered as she dialed Alec's number on her phone, punching in the numbers almost violently. He didn't pick up. "God Dammit!" She yelled slamming her phone into her pocket and racing to find her coat. She grabbed her whip and shoved a spare blade in her pant leg cursing angrily the whole time.

It was drizzling lightly outside but the harsh winter night made each drop fall like bullets on her exposed skin. She tried calling Jace three times but with no avail. He was determined, and even if she had gotten a hold of him, she knew he wouldn't come back to the institute empty-handed. Luckily, she tracked him right away and she would be able to find him before he could make any of his trademark dumb mistakes.

That sensor led directly to an abandoned warehouse. It loomed over him, blocking out the white light of the moon behind it. Jace could still feel the sensor pulsing strongly in his pocket like it was trying to jump out. The demonic energy was heavy here- heavier than he could imagine even possible. He was aware of the demons circulating the area, the ones lurking in the shadows hungrily searching for another snack. It was like his sixth sense, though Jace suspected it was a common trait among shadow-hunters. Why the demons were pulled to this warehouse, he couldn't be sure. It was strange- there were no people around or even anything remotely interesting in the area. The street was completely uninhabited and deserted for the entire length of which he could see, which was more than the average person due to his amplified seeing rune. He skillfully drew his blade from his boot and without further hesitation, walked swiftly towards the metal door. He pryed at the cold metal ridges of the door and pulled, but with no luck. It was jammed. He kicked the door. He kicked it again. It didn't budge. He tried an opening rune, but again- the door remained firmly shut. "The actual hell?" He muttered aggravatingly. An uneasy feeling was growing in his gut and the sensible part of him told him to turn around and that the jammed door was a sign to head home. But Jace, as he always had been, never listen to the sensible side of him. He ran his long fingers over the door carefully. Letters he noticed excitedly. There were small, almost completely unnoticeable, but they were letters- carved on the sides of the panels. It was in a language he didn't understand, but based on the unique curvature he could tell it was a type of hieroglyphics. He traced them slowly trying to make sense of them- trying to find any clues to what it meant when he heard a small "pop." He jumped back and looked around him. There was no one, he was a completely alone. What was that? he thought pulling his witchlight from the inside of his jacket. Then suddenly, the door started sliding backwards behind another wall- scratching the concrete ground beneath it and leaving trails of white marks.

A large, empty room sat in front of him. It must have been some type of parking lot at one point because the entire back wall was a garage door. The air was thicker than it was outside and dust particles rained down around him like falling snow. There was definitely some demon presence, he could smell it in the air- metal and blood and... a hint of familiarity. Clary. He picked up his pace. She was here somewhere, he could feel it in his bones and in the adrenaline that coursed through his veins. He would find her. He would finally find her. He started to run, he wanted to find her now. Quickly, he turned the corner. He was in in a separate room now- slightly smaller, but darker and colder. The door behind him slammed shut and he heard a latch lock in place. The light of the witchlight in his hand faded until the room was completely black. Something was wrong -the darkness in the room was not like regular darkness; it was not just the absence of light. No, it was a completely different substance. It was dense and syrupy and he could feel it creeping behind his ears and wrapping around his bare arms, squeezing them numb. Something moved quickly behind him and suddenly he felt a the cold edge of a knife against his throat. "Who's there?" He choked out, feeling the blade press harder against him. The lights flared on dramatically and standing on the other side of the room, dressed in full shadow-hunter gear was someone who should have been dead, but not the dead one he was looking for. No, this person was not the person he came to find, not the person that should be alive. Jace had watch him die; Jace had been the one who took his life! Took his life by stabbing him from his spine into his heart- how is this happening. Jace's breathe was stuck in his throat and he felt his heart race increase horribly.

The man across the room leveled his eyes to match Jace's "I was beginning to think you weren't going to show at all. You see" He paused, the lights illuminating off his white blond hair; a delirious smile spreading across his face-his pupils growing larger and larger until they overtook his entire eye- a solid black, darker than the heavy black in the room, darker than the darkness that was sluggishly draining the humanity out of Jace "You see" he continued "I've been waiting for you angel boy."


	6. Chapter 6

**I am excited about this chapter! I had to up the rating after this one because its gruesome and it made me feel kinda sick writing it. I really like writing Sebastian's character. I have never written "bad guys" before, and I really enjoyed it. Let me know what you think and thanks for reading!**

 ****All credits to Cassandra Clare**

Sebastian took a step towards Jace. His hands were clasped behind his back and his head was slightly tilted, a mocking smile on his face. _He looks like Valentine_ Jace realized with a jolt, shivering slightly. The menacing manner in which he spoke, the way he studied Jace- like he was a small insignificant creature who needed his help. Jace clenched his jaw and stood up straighter _I've killed you once, I'll do it again._ As if reading his mind, Sebastian laughed wholeheartedly "I don't hold it against you, you know." That wasn't what Jace was expected "Huh?" Sebastian took a second step. Closer now. "I don't hold it against you- you..killing me." He smiled softly and it looked foreign on his face. It made him look younger and gentler. It wasn't real though, anyone who knew anything about Sebastian would know that. " You see, we're brothers Jace. You and I. Angel boy and demon boy." Jace shook his head, the blade at his neck cutting skin. Blood trickled down his collar bone, soaking into his shirt. It was warm on his frozen neck and numb body- it woke him up "We aren't brothers. We don't have anything in common, we are _nothing_ alike." Sebastian took another step; he was standing directly in front of Jace. If Jace just wriggled his sleeve, elbowed the person holding him, he could easily slit Sebastian's throat. He had a knife in his undershirt and a two in both sleeves, all he had to do was get a little closer...

"I can think of at least one thing." Sebastian said, jamming his hands casually in the pockets of his pants. He studied Jace. "Clary." He whispered fiercely. Jace trembled with anger at the sound of her name, though he tried not to show it. _He wants a reaction. Don't give him a reaction._ Sebastian's eyes glinted with a predatory light and it took everything in Jace not to stab him right there. He stepped closer. _Ten_. "I know you came here for her." _Nine_. "You think I haven't noticed the searches?" _Eight._ He sounded angry now- _dangerous_ now "I won't lie, you Shadowhunters of gotten in my way. And each one of you will pay. Painfully and slowly." _Seven_. "She won't cooperate with me. She is a stubborn one." _Six._ His pupils were growing again, slowly and calculatingly. " I know why." He took another step and Jace could see his own reflection in his black eyes. Sebastian threw the knife at Jace's neck on the ground, the tip of the blade melting in his hands and falling onto the ground bent in half. _Five._ "WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT I DON'T!" He yelled, spit flying from his mouth in all directions, his fingers wrapping around Jace's neck as if to choke him to death. Jace could barely breathe, the edges of his eyesight were tinged with dark red and the darkness was growing rapidly. At the last second Sebastian removed his grip, his breathe heaving. His eyes were solid black and it made the paleness of his cheeks glow. _Four._ Jace wrapped his fingers on the hilt of his knife slowly, carefully bidding his time. _Three._ He breathed in and out, watching Sebastian cautiously-delicately. He was looking past Jace into the nothingness, curling and uncurling his fists. _Two_. Sebastian looked back at Jace, the darkness in his eyes fading back to normal. His white hair fell over his eyes and with each puff of breathe it blew away from his forehead. "I'll let you see her. But from this day on" His face tightened "she is mine." _One._ Jace threw the blade, mustering all his pain from the last few months, all his anger from finding _him_ instead of her, and all his love- the purest, most truthful feeling he ever had - into his throw. It sailed threw the air with a perfect ark, and buried itself right into Sebastian Verlac's coldblooded heart.

Izzy stood in front of an empty lot. She had tracked Jace, but she certainly wasn't expected to be led to the middle of nowhere. She walked up and down the street several times thinking that there must have been some mistake, but the tracking still lead to the same place. This empty lot. She tried de-glamouring the place but it didn't work, it was still an old garbage landfill. She used a seeing rune, maybe something was blocking her vision, but again- it was still what it had been 10 minutes ago. Maybe Jace had gone home. Maybe he dropped something in the area so the rune thought he was here... Izzy so badly wanted to go home. It must have been barely four in the morning and she was tired and cold and thirsty. Her legs ached and she couldn't feel her toes or her fingers. Her eyelids were heavy from the lack of sleep and her arms felt droopy...

Sebastian looked up with confusion from the blade protruding out of his chest to Jace, back down at his chest and back up at Jace. Black blood trickled out from the wound and he began wiping it away with the tips of his fingers. Slowly at first than faster and faster, smearing on his forehead and his cheeks. Jace wanted to puke, the blood was pooling at his feet and he had no idea how Sebastian was still alive. He backed up feeling for the door. He needed to leave now. The longer he stayed, the more danger he was putting himself in. "Oh _no_. Oh no no no." Sebastian called out chuckling psychotically, waving his blood stained finger in the air "You aren't going anyway Jace Herondale. Don't you move." He walked to where Jace stood. The blade was still sticking out of Sebastian's chest and Jace could feel the hilt of the knife pressing against his own shirt. Then, defying all laws of nature, physics and basic human anatomy, Sebastian gripped the blade in his hands- slick with black, foul-smelling blood, and pulled the blade right out his chest, tossing it carelessly on the floor.

"I thought we were getting to know each other Angel boy," He said grinning "I was even going to let you see her." Jace felt dizzy. She was here, he was right, she was really here. "Where is she? What did you do to her Sebastian?" He looked confused for a split- second and it was gratifying "Sebastian is it? You know full well that I am not that Verlac bastard." Sebastian smiled his sick smile once again. "As for your question, you know I would never do anything to hurt my _sister._ " He shook his head "All this time you have been spending with me, Clary has been sleeping right in that room." He pointed a blood stained finger to the door behind him. "She had a long day today-" Jace didn't hear the rest of Sebastian's words- he could only hear the blood rushing in his ears and the beat of his heart forever whispering her name. _Clary. Clary. Clary._ "Go ahead. Go and see her." Sebastian moved out of Jace's way and waved a hand, still grinning. Jace looked at him in shock. That certainly wasn't what he was expecting. He took a hesitant step forward, eyeing Sebastian suspiciously. Sebastian just watched him carefully, like he was anticipating something. His arms were crossed and he looked on with narrowed eyes, a smirk beginning to form in the corner of his lips. Jace knew it was probably a trap. He wasn't stupid- something was about to happen and it was going to be bad. But Jace didn't care anymore. He had come all this way, he had suffered so much. His fingers itched to touch her skin and to feel the silk of her hair. His heart hammered loudly; it hammered out of his chest and hammered throughout the room; each beat bouncing of the walls like thunder. He needed to see her more than he needed anything in his life. He needed to hold her and hear her voice. He needed her like one needed medication- desperately, his body physically aching. He was a few feet from the door now. He turned to look at Sebastian again- he was still watching him through slit eyes and slit lips. And then with a labored, painful breath, Jace crumbled to the floor like broken porcelain.

Izzy shot up. She had been lying in the middle of the street, her hair spilled around her like black ink. She blinked a few times, clearing her hazy vision and looking at her surroundings. _What the hell? Did I...nap?_ Izzy stood warily- her bracelet slithering down her arm and forming into a whip. She sniffed the air cautiously. Chemicals. There were chemicals in the air- some poison that was slowing down her body, making her blood thicken and stopping the adrenaline from pumping through her veins. _Jace._ If he was here, which she suspected he was, he was in serious danger. Izzy started to run. Faster and faster, up and down the street, choking on the poison that hung over her like a blanket. She was coughing and tripping over her own feet. Saliva and blood dripped down her lips and onto the cold, dirty road. "Jaaace?" She called out, her voice sluggish, her eyesight sluggish, her body sluggish. "Jaacee, wee neeed too leaavve...?" She pulled out her stele and traced her iratze rune dizzily, the world spinning around her like a carousal. Thankfully, her eyesight began to clear and her legs steadied themselves despite her 5-inch heels. She coughed again and wiped her mouth on her sleeve, spitting the remnants of the bloody saliva. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she narrowed her eyes at the landfill in front of her, searching for proof that it wasn't real. _I am Isabelle Lightwood. I can do anything and I_ will _find Jace._ She was determined, and when she was determined, very few things could stop her.

Jace could hardly see. He felt like he was looking at the world around him with highly perscripted glasses- he could only see basic shapes, _outlines,_ of people. Everything was happening in slow-motion. Slow movements- someone walking towards him, blocking out the fluorescent light behind them. He could hear his breathe and his heartbeat but not much else, just faded conversation like he was underwater. Blurs of a voice. A laugh. The pressure of someone's fingers around his wrist. A face looming over him. Eyes black like a crow- shadow less pupils that made Jace feel like he was falling. Down, down, down. A void in space. A bottomless pit. He felt sick. And then a voice in his ear. Cold and dead. "You thought I would let you see her? You thought you could come back here and TAKE HER?! I AM HER BROTHER, YOU CANNOT TAKE HER FROM ME!" He was screaming now and Jace could hear the echos in his head. He winced in pain "You think you found her? I LET YOU FIND HER! I was bidding my time Angel boy, I was waiting for the poison to spread throughout your pure, angelic, blood. I am smarter than you, Herondale. This? This right here? THIS IS THE CLOSEST YOU WILL EVER GET TO HER!" Sebastian's breathe was sharp and cold against the side of Jace's face as he panted, his own shouts wearing him out "Tomorrow you will wake. You will wake and have no recollection of any of this. You won't remember being so close to her. You won't remember the feeling of excitement to know she is alive. In fact, you will convince everyone that she _isn't_ , when you wake, me and your precious Clary will be _long gone_." And then the voice was gone. And the foul breathe on his cheek. And then the feeling of his own heartbeat and the blurry vision. Everything faded out like it was far, far away and completely out of reach. Because everything was out of reach- it was slipping through his fingers like sand and Jace was completely out of control.


	7. Chapter 7

**I have a lot to say about this chapter. First I want to apologize, I am definitely having a writers block so this chapter sucks. The only good thing about this chapter is Jace & Izzy bonding scenes which unfortunately are few and far between. Also, I think it's important for you to know that I know how this story is going to end but I only find out how its going to get there while I'm writing the chapter. When I look back on this story, it is nothing like how I would have ever imagined and I am pleasantly surprised about that. . Lastly, I have some good ideas for the next chapter which is probably going to be the second to last (unless its to long), so hold tight! **

**A helpful recap for this chapter: Sebastian mentioned memory loss- especially about certain someone...**

 **Please tell me what you think!**

 *****All credits to Cassandra Clare**

Izzy sat on the side of Jace's bed, watching him sleep. It was 11:30 in the morning; a soft breeze blew through the open curtain and the morning sun illuminated Jace's golden hair. Izzy had made breakfast for him and decided to come deliver it to him personally. She was surprised to find him still asleep, he was usually an early-riser, but nevertheless, she didn't wake him. He needed it, and she was glad he was finally taken proper care of himself. She had missed Jace; cocky, fearless, confidant Jace. Maybe he was back now. Maybe whatever had happened last night would help him recover from his current predicament. She watched him with a soft, sisterly smile. He was beautiful- he really was. She would never tell him that, he didn't need to be reminded, but as someone who always appreciated beauty, Izzy couldn't help but acknowledge it. When she found out about his angel blood, Izzy wasn't entirely shocked. If anyone could be an angel, it was Jace. He was a prince- a lion. With his rich, blonde hair, and honey eyes fringed with dark lashes. He was golden, truly golden, from head to toe. Izzy reached out to tuck a loose strand hair behind his ear with sisterly affection, when Jace's eyes lifted slowly. He took in his surroundings, looking side to side- confusion clearly written all over his face. He looked at Izzy, and sat up in his bed, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand. "What...happened?" He asked. Isabel sighed and and stretched her back, tilting her chin towards the bare, white ceiling. "I was going to ask you the same thing Jace." She turned to look at him "I wake up in the middle of the night to find you _gone._ Are you crazy? You can't just leave and go looking for her by yourself, especially at the dead of night- its practically a suicide mission!" Jace was silent, and Izzy took his silence as a sign to continue "What do you think it was like Jace, to find you curled on the side of an abandoned road, _half dead?_ " She shook her head, a lock of dark hair sliding around the base of her neck "I know you think you are untouchable, but no one is. _Ever._ Not even you." She watched him dubiously "What happened out there? For real. I want to find her as much as you do Jace, but we need to work together. Tell me the truth- what happened?" Jace stared at her. His eyes were wide and his lips were parted. Everthing was utterly silent- he sat motionless on his bed, his breathe hanging in his throat. The room was still and the walls were still- the wind outside was suspended over the trees, the leaves were dangling in the air- the whole world completely frozen in time, hungrily anticipated Jace's answer. He shook his head, his eyes deep with fear. He leaned closely to Isabel and whispered hoarsily "Izzy... I don't remember _anything._ "

Izzy felt dizzy. She could hear the thoughts whirring around her head like a pinwheel; she was filled with questions. "What don't you remember?" Jace closed his eyes "I remember you were sleeping. I knew you were asleep, that's why I left. I went to go... somewhere. Find... something. I don't know." "Clary. I assume, I mean who else?" Jace looked up at her with heavy eyelids, confusion written on his face "Clary?" Izzy's hands went numb. Blood roared in her ears, a thick, frigid chill washed over her body and she shivered, hugging her chest with her arms. "Clary. Jace come on, you know Clary." Panic crept in her voice, her words were laced with an uncontrollable feeling of dread "Jace. Please, it's not funny. Clary! It's Clary! Don't you know who I am talking about?" Jace watched her; a bitter sadness filled his eyes and he looked away "I know who Clary is, Isabel. Why you bring her up I don't know." "What do you mean, you don't know?...Jace?" Jace looked back at her. His face was as emotionless and cold as stone, and his voice was resentful when he spoke "Clary's dead Izzy. She died 3 months ago. I'm shocked at how quickly you are able to forget." He fell back down on his pillow and shifted over- his back towards Izzy and his face towards the gleaming sun. A heavy sort of shock wrapped around Izzy. She could hardly breathe- she didn't know what to say. "Jace-" "Leave, Izzy. _Please_. " She stood and looked at her brother's curled figure. His face was in his hands and when he thought she wasn't looking, she saw him wipe away a glistening tear. " _Okay._ " She whispered "Okay." The room was cold, but the pain in her chest was colder and there was nothing she could do about it. So she left him there; wallowing in his sorrows, secretly wishing for comfort and for the ache in his heart to somehow be filled again.


	8. Chapter 8

**A lot on this chapter!**

 **#1. Finally writing Clary! As you hopefully know by now, this story is basically Clary as Jace in City of Fallen Angels. That means, that like Jace, Clary has little to no control of her actions. Just like Jace was stabbed with that angel- blooded knife and was momentarily freed from Sebastian's control, this chapter takes place right after that would have happened to Clary. In this chapter, Clary wakes up as herself and finally realizes what is going on.**

 **#2**. **While Clary has gotten her memories back, Jace still doesn't remember that Clary is alive.**

 **#3. This chapter is hard to read and was harder to write. I know that the switching of perspectives might be hard to read but I write the exact way I imagine. I imagine the scene switching back and forth constantly- so much its almost hard to follow. It also gives the story a certain energy that I think makes it enjoying to read- it really builds tension and makes it more exciting. I know that it might be annoying to some, so I apologize if its confusing.**

 **So basically, after started this story I deleted the last chapter of** _ **Dear Clary**_ **. For those that read it before I deleted it, this chapter might begin to look familiar and next chapter will pretty much be an edited version of the last chapter of that story. Anyway, enjoy and please tell me what you think!**

* * *

Clary woke up with a headache. A bad headache- the ones that make you spin and dizzy. When her vision finally cleared and the headache settled, she slowly took in her surroundings. _Where am I?_ She thought, her heart pounding in her chest worriedly. It was a small, bare room. A twin bed with pink, floral sheets and a stack of clothes sitting on a nightstand. The room shone with a golden light which was odd- there were no light bulbs and no windows. She spun around in a nervous circle _What happened?_ She couldn't remember anything-she didn't know how she got to the room, why she was even _in_ this room... _My name is Clary mom is Jocelyn Fairchild. I'm a Shadowhunter._ She repeated to herself, quickly shrugging on a hoodie and slipping on the pair of sneakers by her bed. She was about to leave the room when something caught her eye. Something sparkled on the nightstand causing small reflections to dance on the ceiling like the lights of a kaleidoscope. It was a necklace; long and silver with a stunning green pendant that nearly glowed in her palm. Curiously, she flipped the pendant over hoping to find a clue to its owner. Inscribed in small, cursive letters were the words : _To my sister with eyes fairer than the pendant itself, and beauty lovelier than the light the necklace offers._

And then, like a long- awaited wave crashing on its dry shore, the memories came crashing over her. They came and they came heavily and uncontrollably , forcing her to succumb to the horrifying truth of her situation until she couldn't stop herself from drowning in her own agonizing pain that shook her body to the core, from her whitened hands and into her racing heart.

 _ **OOO**_

Jace slept the whole day. He was drained - completely and incomparably drained. He didn't want to be in the institute anymore. He didn't want to answer anymore questions- he didn't want to have to talk about her anymore. Not with these people. Not with people who pretended to understand his pain, not with people who were in-love and happily so. Not with them and frankly, not with anyone. He wanted to run away. He wanted to leave his world behind and leave the people that made it so. He could hide, he could hide in the city and become a mundane. He could move far, far away and live in a forest. But he knew, in the depths of his broken heart, it wouldn't matter. He could be miles and miles away from his true identity, be years and years past the life he used to have, and it would never matter. Her loss would always be fresh in his mind- always be there like a stubborn stain that blotted his heart, making him incapable of moving on. If only he could hold her again, if only he could rest his chin on the top of her head, if only he could feel her arms snaking around his waist and feel that feeling of calm, of _relief_...

He stood, his legs heavy and mind heavier. He would go demon hunting. It always helped, it was his medicine. He would kill every last demon in the city, every one of them until his chest felt lighter and his heart felt warmer. He would kill them mercilessly; he wanted to rip the life away from them and watch them suffer. Watch them writhe in pain and die in a pool of their own blood or even better, the pool of someone they cared for. He knew they didn't have feelings, but he didn't care- he wanted someone, _something_ , to hurt the way he did; slowly and painfully, increasing with every thought and every breathe.

 _ **OOO**_

Clary gripped the necklace in a shaken palm. She felt nauseous and home-sick. She wanted to go home, she wanted to see Izzy and Simon and Luke, and most of all, she wanted to see Jace. She wanted to hug him and kiss him and fall asleep in his arms. She wanted to feel the silk of his hair between her fingers and to hear his laugh in her ears. She leaned against the side of her bed and tilted her head towards the ceiling. Tears slid down her cheeks like lava, hot and heavy, burning the skin in its trails. _I don't want your stupid necklace!_ She thought angrily, throwing at the opposite wall _I DON'T WANT IT!_ She was sobbing now, snot and tears mixing as they trickled down her lips and chin. _I want Jace. I only ever wanted Jace._

 ** _OOO_**

Jace left the institute in a blur. He told Izzy he was going for a walk. _Ill be back soon,_ He had told her _Don't wait up for me._ He hoped she would listen, just this one time. He didn't want to feel responsible or have to cause worry or fear. He wanted to be free, free of the pressure of being loved and free of the pain of loving others. He wanted to be the old Jace, reckless and carefree and ... _unrestricted._ He wanted to be unrestricted.

There were three demons on this street. One slipping behind the corner of a brick apartment building, one glamoured as a human, and the last one hissing low and rhythmically near his feet. His heart thrummed and his fingers itched excitedly, he was ready.

 _ **OOO**_

Clary stood curling her fingers into a fist, her eyes smarting. She would find him, she would find her way back home. She didn't care what Sebastian would say. She didn't care if he tried to tie her down to a chair, she would find her way back home. She would. She had to.

The building was silent. Her footsteps echoed loudly and she winced with every step. She was in the main room now. The evening light filtered through the windows and drew patterns on the filthy floor, circles and squares running along her feet. Her fingers were shaking and her breathe was loud in her ears. She trained her eyes towards the metal door, and quickened her steps. She had never wanted fresh air like she did at the moment. She never wanted to feel the winter air on her neck the way she did presently, she never wanted to smell the smoke of the city or see only the hazy outline of the stars above like she did now. But she was so focused on the door. So focused on the world outside that she wasn't paying attention to the one inside. She almost didn't see the glistening object on the floor right in front of her, but even more than that, she almost didn't see the shadow looming behind her.

She leaned down hesitantly, inspecting the object. A ring. Silver and thick. It was familiar, she had seen it before- she must have, but where... and then she realized with a choked breathe. _Jace's_ ring. Jace had been here. _Jace had been here_. Her head pounded and blood roared. Someone coughed behind her- Sebastian. She had been so close. So damn close. She turned around, her stomach churning and her eyes burning with hatred. He stood casually, leaning against the wall with a hand in his fair hair and the other shoved in his pocket. "Whatcha you got there?" He nodded at her closed, trembling fist. Clary's nostrils flared "What do I have here? What do I have here?! Odd that you're asking me, don't you think?" She opened her fist and pinched the ring between her thumb and finger, as if to show him. He stretched his neck to the side and grinned, taking a step in her direction. "Ah. His ring. Should have guessed he would leave you a way to find him." Clary glared at him and jammed the ring on her finger, breathing in through her nose trying to suppress the anger that was seething inside her. Anger and disgust. "I'm going out for a little bit, brother." He smiled at the name but it didn't reach his eyes. "No you aren't. I know exactly where you plan on going, and it's not going to happen. " His voice was quiet but deadly like a snake, creeping his way to her with watchful eyes. She feigned confusion "Umm...where am I going?" He didn't smile. He didn't move. He was silent, perfectly silent just like he was perfectly still and perfectly evil. "I'm just going on a little walk. I'll be back soon." She shook her head playfully "Why are you always so worried!" She laughed cheerfully and whirled around, walking jubilantly towards the door. Her hands were shaking where he couldn't see and her throat felt dry and stale. She turned, grinned lightheartedly and waved goodbye, slamming the metal door shut behind her.

 _ **OOO**_

Jace concentrated on the one in front of him. He concentrated on its slithering legs and slithering lips. He concentrated on its odor and the trail of human blood it left behind, following it with sharp eyes, sharp nose and even sharper knife. The steady beat in his chest gave him energy. It pulsed in his ears tuning in his senses until he was completely focused- so focused he was blind to the rest of the world around him. All he could see was the demon, with its mouth full of teeth and body filled with someone's blood. The demon didn't see Jace approach, but then again, no one ever sees death approach. It comes with a chilly whisper-unpredictable and unreliable. And that was Jace. With footsteps light as a feather, and an even breathe, the demon met death as unexpectedly as was expected. He slashed the demon expertly in half and watched gleefully as it hissed in pain.

He was on to the next target.

 _ **OOO**_

Clary begin to run. She knew Sebastian didn't believe her facade- she knew he was giving her approximately 5 minutes before sending his people for her. She needed to get into the city, that was her first goal. She would blend in there and hopefully be able to find her way to the institute.

It was darkening outside, only the lights of buildings that outlined the streets guided her, and the growing chatter of life coming from the center of the city. She had been running for what felt like hours with only the flare of hope giving her energy. She hadn't drank in what felt like days; she hadn't eaten anything either. Her legs were sore and she was panting, her body begging her for rest. _No._ She needed to move, she needed to keep moving. She closed her eyes and saw Jace. Jace smiling with his hair tucked neatly behind his ears and his fingers wrapped around a bouquet a flowers, handing to her like it was a beacon of their love. Clary smiled sentimentally at the memory. She would move for Jace, she would run across the world for Jace if she could find him on the other side. So she quickened her past- she pushed her legs and ignored the shooting sparks of pain with every step and every bend. It was for Jace- every burning footprint was marked with his name. This step for the time he took her to the greenhouse, this one for his lazy smiles and morning kisses. This one for the way he looked after getting stuck in the rain; with his hair plastered to his forehead and the way it dried in little curls. And that one, the one that stung so bad that she felt in the bottom of her stomach, that one was for the way he looked at her. The way he looked at her when she told him how much he meant to her, and that she loved him forever. His face barren of any humor or sarcastic comments and his eyes glowing with his boyhood dream of love. She would do anything to see Jace look like that again, and running several miles was simple in comparison.

 _ **OOO**_

Jace had lost count of the number of demons he had slain. His shirt was spotted with their blood and his legs were scratched from their attempts to fight back. His hair hung over his eyes dripping with sweat, but they were as focused as ever- beaming with adrenaline. He hadn't felt so alive in too long- his heart thrummed loudly and he was momentarily completely lost in his perfect world. _Momentarily_. He shouldn't have expected anything better, he knew far to well that good things never last. Because there he was, standing across the street from Pandemonium. Strobe lights pulsed from the cracks between the doors and the shattered windows. Music and laughter rang into the street, the air stunk of vomit and liquor and cheap perfume. For the first time in his life, Jace didn't want to go in. He didn't want to kill any more demons, he didn't even want to _look_ at another demon. He felt drained of the energy that had not to long ago satisfied him. He couldn't look at the flashing sign without thinking about Clary. He couldn't watch the streams of laughing people filtering in and out of the club without thinking of Clary. He couldn't do much without thinking of her, but he especially couldn't be here.

Jace was to busy wallowing in his past and his pains, he didn't see the demon creep up behind him. He didn't see the demon that followed him to this spot, he didn't hear the demons angry slither over the noise of the club. How ironic, that Jace was right. How ironic that the demon that stood behind him would now take Jace's life for revenge of Jace taking his partner's. How ironic that in seeking vengeance for his loved one's death, something would seek vengeance on him. Maybe everyone did have feelings- maybe everything experienced pain and anger, maybe everything had lost something. Maybe Clary was bad luck. Maybe she had brought nothing but death since her arrival-nothing but pain and sorrows. Maybe it wasn't coincidence that he had ended up here- standing in the place he had met her, standing in the place that everything had changed - the place that now, everything would change again.

 _ **OOO**_

Clary stopped in her tracks when she realized where she was. _Pandemonium._ She hadn't been back in years and it had almost been completely forgotten about the nightclub. It looked the same- flashy and cheap, littered with garbage and drunkards. It was strange to see it again, it reminded her of a simpler time when boredom and innocence were the driving factors of her life. How much had changed since that night? Or better yet, how much was to change still?

 _Better not to dwell in the past_ She chided herself, and continued to move. A flash of blonde hair caught her eye, and maybe because she was searching for it or because of its familiarity, she followed it with her eyes. But even her eyes were to slow- with a flash, the blonde figure went slamming down into the pavement and was dragged faraway until it was hardly a blur in the jostling crowd.


	9. Chapter 9

**This is it (I think)! I was considering writing an epilogue but unless this chapter does really well, I probably won't. Thank you so much for your warm and encouraging comments, they truly kept me writing even when I really didn't want to. I hope this chapter was everything you were hoping for and more! Again, this is an edited version of my ending from** _ **Dear Clary,**_ **so for those who have read it, I am sorry that it's not new and fresh. Enjoy and thanks for sticking around!**

 ****All credits and characters to Cassandra Clare**

* * *

This was it. He was going to die. For real this time, and stay dead. His eyesight was already starting to fail him; he could barely see the demon on top of him- barely see the glow of its eyes, barely hear the monotonous drip of its saliva trickling down the collar of his shirt . He could feel the poison spreading in his veins like ice cold water- freezing his body limb by limb. He knew he only had minutes left- minutes before the his heart would stop beating and his blood would cease to flow. He wasn't scared. He wasn't scared of death. He hadn't been, not since that night at Lake Lynn. He was scared of leaving his loved ones though _"Not that there are many left",_ he thought bitterly.

 _"57 seconds"_ a voice whispered in his head. Maybe it was the angel of death, he thought humorously, _"clearly excited to take this bad boy, huh?"_ But it was true, and he knew it. His seconds were numbered and the number was shrinking rapidly. He could almost feel his heartbeat in his chest fading- feel his systems slowly shutting down. His mind was alive, though. Alive and awake _. "What a joke._ " he muttered incoherently " _The last thing I need is to be thinking about my life."_

And then he was.

Almost like his own personal slideshow playing before his eyes. He could see himself running across the grassy yard in the Wayland Manor up into his father's arms. He could see himself learning to fight- punching a dummy square in the chest; watching with glee as it fell onto the floor. He could see himself gripping Alec's arm; feel the heat of the blue fire circling around them and the burn of the parabatai rune. He saw himself that night at Pandemonium. He saw _her_. Standing there in flesh and blood, so realistic that it made his throat burn and his fingers itch to reach out. He saw himself at the Seelie Court. He saw the desire burning in his eyes and could almost feel the pressure of her fingers on the back of his neck and feel her hair slipping between the tips of his fingers and into his palms. And then he was lying next to her, feeling her steady breath beside him; watching the sun-rays dance on her skin like fire. He saw himself that dreadful night,lying on the cold ground of the penthouse- waiting, praying to see her face again. Just one more time. Just to feel her hands and fingers and body once more. Just to hold her to his heart, to tell her he loved him. Just to see her smile, see her eyes light up and hear her laugh. Just to be with her one more time.

Jace had never really realized the tragedies his life revolved around before. But now, looking in retrospect, they were everywhere. Why did _he_ have to be Valentine's experiment? Why did he have to watch his father murdered in front of his young eyes, watch the blood seep into his room through the cracked door and soak into his socks? Why did he have to lose everything? All the time? Why was it that _every time_ he felt a sliver of happiness, it was ripped away from him? Why could he never, _never_ , just be happy?

He had lost track of time. He didn't know which breathe would be his last, or if he had already taken that breathe. He would die seeing her face, he decided. He pictured her eyes- the greens and blue and grays. Her hair, layers of liquid fire, cascading down her back in perfect ringlets. He could see every angle of her face. The soft curve of her cheek and jawline. Her lips curving into a sneaky smile. He saw her dancing, dancing in the empty park. Her hair flowing behind her like wings, her laugh burning in the wind. He could see her painting- holding the brush bent in her fingers and a pencil between her teeth. He could see her that night they went to dinner, he could see her walking towards him in that silk dress, her arms loose on her sides and a shy smile peaking under her hair. To Jace, there was no one more real than Clary. There never had been and as Jace lay on the cold alley, taking his dying breathe, he had never seen anyone more real than the way he pictured her right there. She was so real.

 _Too_ real.

His arms burned and then his eyesight cleared. He must have been dead. He had to be dead. Because...it wasn't possible. She was hovering over him, her eyes glistening. The was a pale scar running from her curved eyebrow down the length of her cheek. There was dirt smeared on her forehead and her chin and her upper lip was crusted with dried blood. Loose hairs outlined her face- the rest in a knotty ponytail gently tickling his forehead. Half-moons have restless nights were drawn under her gleaming eyes, her forehead was creased with permanent worry lines.

And by every angel, Jace had never seen anything half as beautiful.

He could hear her heartbeat like a drum, mimicking his own. And then he realized. He was alive. _He was alive._ His legs throbbed, and his chest ached. He didn't care that his arm was bloody and he skin was blue and purple, nor that his fingers was sore and numb.

All he could see was her.

Tentatively, he raised his hand to her face. He could feel the pulse in his fingers hammering simultaneously with the pulse in her cheek, as she laid her head softly in his hand. He could feel the scars snaking along the peak of her jawline despite the callouses in his fingers. He had forgotten what it was like- to feel something alive. To touch her skin and look in her eyes. To hear her beating heart and to feel the slick marble of her body against his own.

He had forgotten.

And then he snapped. Like a rubber-band, stretched too far. He snapped and the tears spilled almost violently down his cheeks like hot wax. The salt stung his open wounds and burnt his skin as it dribbled down his face, soaking into his torn shirt. They spilled into his mouth and he could taste them- salty and sweaty and filled with pain.

She leaned down and pressed her forehead against his, and he could feel her tears mixing with his own. He could feel them as they trickled rapidly behind his ears and dampened his hair. She smelled like honey and books and sweat. She was holding him and he was holding her, their bodies pressed together like magnets, curving into each others embrace . Her skin was hot and heavy on his fingertips and suddenly he could hear his heart pounding loudly in his ears. His body was shaking- convulsing unlike anything he had ever experienced, and it scared him. He didn't want to die. Not _now_. Not anymore. He wanted to live- more than ever. He wanted to stay here with her. He wanted to go everywhere with her. Anywhere; as long it was with her.

And then she looked him. Really looked at him, the way only she could. Holding his face in her hands, her eyes filled with sorrow . She could see the pain in his golden eyes. She could see the despair and heartache. She could see the grief and sadness that haunted him everyday, that turned him into a soldier- void of emotion, void of love.

"Oh, Jace. " She whispered, her voice tinged with sadness, choking slightly. She closed her heavy eyelids, letting one last tear trickle down her wet face. He lifted his hand slowly to her cheek and gently wiped away that single tear. Her eyes opened delicately and to Jace, they looked like the rising sun. They always had. His tears still ran down his face in lazy paths down his chin and neck. He smiled with shining eyes, sniffed, then laughed happily putting both his hands on her soaked cheeks. He opened his mouth-and closed it as if at a loss for words. But then, in a voice so quiet, almost inaudible, he whispered, his voice cracking with emotion- cracking with months and months of helplessness and torture, months and months of pain and sheer loneliness. He was a boy when he spoke. A boy who dreamed of happiness and love and _hope_. A boy with feelings, tender and sensitive. He was the boy who cried when his bird had died, the boy who who used to laugh and sing. For that still moment in time, Jace became the boy he used to be... _"You came back for me?"_


End file.
